anyway. i’ve had a chunk of Scripture stuck in my head for weeks, since hearing it highlighted at LPV. it’s colossians 4:2-6. since i left organized ministry and decided to focus on my day-to-day interactions with folks, behind the scenes i’ve looked for a sort of map, or recipe, or set of instructions on how to carry that out. something fairly bite-sized that i could reference easily and often. i hesitate to call it a mission or vision statement, because those things have always felt arbitrary and a little silly to me, plus i’m really bad at doing it so it’s not much of a mission statement.

anyway. it says

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

that’s it. pretty nice little summary, eh? and it reminded me of the crucial missing ingredient, like making a bowl of cereal and forgetting the cereal: prayer. i have neglected this facet of my relationships with the folks around me. i also love how my first thought when i realized this was “man, you should go grab one of your books on prayer and re-read it to get back in the game”. or, you could, you know, just frickin pray and that’d work too.

i understand the arguments, certainly. counter arguments abound – helping out the struggling homeowner ultimately benefits us all; and the federal government is the only entity large enough, (supposedly) objective enough and with sufficient resources to help the most people. those points could be (and are) endlessly debated – that’s not where i am struggling.

at what point did followers of Jesus care so much about what happens to their money? why is it given any more thought than ‘pay the bills, feed our family, give a percent to the church, have a little fun, and save’? it might demand our attention briefly; it certainly shouldn’t call forth our outrage.

i get the concept of being a good steward, but (1) if it’s not in our possession (i.e. it’s in the government’s account being doled out) and (2) we trust the authority God has enstated, as mentioned in romans 13, isn’t it out of our hands at that point? shouldn’t we just move on and focus on something more worthwhile?

i’m sure someone could present a compelling, maybe even Biblical, argument to this point. but i’d be afraid it would still sound the same: greedy, self-serving, cruel. a bunch of people who follow the guy that talked about dying to yourself and told a rich guy to sell everything he had – what do the people who are hurting, struggling, desperate for help, facing homelessness, job loss, etc – what are those people supposed to think when we start saying “you don’t deserve help”? i certainly don’t feel qualified to judge that. what kind of message does that send?

with my struggles to free myself of the grip of comfort and selfishness, i have found that the bulk of the fight is reminding myself that i need to care a whole lot less about my ‘rights’, what i am ‘owed’. the more i can do to distance myself from that frame of mind, the better off i am.

one of the things about the series that has always been attractive to me was how creator Ron Moore made faith a serious element that the characters had to deal with. watching them struggle with long-held beliefs and traditions in the face of terrible circumstances made them much more believable and connected me with them on a level i rarely experience, in any medium.

and for a series so beloved by skeptics/athiests, the finale’s plot relied heavily on the work of a higher power. the reaction has been pretty interesting to witness. personally, RDM impressed the crap out of me by allowing faith to be a central theme. the last intelligent sci-fi series that incorporated any element of faith was the X-Files. Star Trek was always too chicken to explore the concept.

two things stood out about the finale: one was during Baltar’s speech in the CIC. Brother Cavil asks something along the lines of “How do I know God will side with the Cylons?”. “God is not on anyone’s side”, Baltar explains. His point: the gods/God/higher power/force of nature isn’t for the humans, or the Cylons, or Vulcans, or America’s, or the Muslims, or the universe, or whatever. it’s to us to make sure we’re on God’s side.

the other: while not a part of the plot or overall theme, after finishing the finale, i got the distinct sense of the brevity of our time on this planet. i can read books or hear sermons on making the best use of your limited lifespan, but none have had the impact of seeing Bill Adama’s loss, watching Lee see his father off for the last time, and watching the survivors depart to start their new lives. i was finally shaken up and saw my heart open just a bit, ready to make more use of the idle hours i waste away.

if i were to speculate, i picture the kid sitting at his father’s table. he’s surrounded by tons of grub. he’s got the pimp robe on, the sandals, his dad’s ring, but he’s shifting back and forth in his seat because his father’s servants threw all that gear on right as he got home – and he’d been covered in mud and crap (and still pulling pieces of hay out of his hair, do you throw that on the ground? is that rude?). so he’s totally messing all those fancy clothes up. speaking of the crap, he’s starting to get a feeling for just how bad he smells, since he’s around a bunch of normal, clean people.

and then there’s the bombshell his dad dropped on him. surprising him on the road back home, cutting him off in the middle of his well-practiced speech, blindly forgiving him, making that wild scene in front of the help. that was a few hours ago, and he’s hanging out at the party, still feeling stunned. he doesn’t know what to say to everyone. still extremely embarrassed, his pride shredded to pieces, he isn’t sure what to do now. he wants to feel utter joy at his father’s absolute forgiveness, but he’s still cautious, waiting for the other shoe to drop. he did so much wrong. it couldn’t have been that simple! right?

so there’s music, and everyone’s dancing, tito over there is about to start with the limbo. and good gravy those dudes can cook some meat. but despite grace, despite the celebration, he can’t seem to make eye contact with anyone. dad sits down next to him, eating a piece of cheese, puts his arm around his son, looks over and smiles, tears in his eyes. the son manages a half smile, his face turning red, looks at the floor. he feels remorse, relief, and wants to be as happy as his dad and everyone else, but something is in the way. what is it? he can’t put his finger on it.

at least, if you stuck me in the story, that’s how i’d feel. am i crazy?

thanks to reset, a study that my church is taking part in, i have been reading Luke this week. reading more than just bite-sized chunks i can digest in five minutes while eating a bowl of the AMAZING strawberry frosted mini wheats (or the occasional cocoa puff. singular. one at a time.)

it’s stunning, the difference in my attitude. after nearly thirteen years of following Jesus, still mystified at the connection between reading the Bible, talking honestly with God, and how i feel on a day-to-day basis. it’s like if you told me, here, eat this bowl of tomato soup, and tomorrow, your car’s highway mileage will double.

maybe if i understood it better, i’d do it more? maybe i could consistently go a month or two spending regular time with Jesus, instead of this lame-ass off-and-on nonsense rollercoaster i’ve ridden for this whole thirteen year period?

aren’t there, like, more actually-amazing things i should be describing as ‘amazing’? the things that deserve my superlatives rarely get them. cereal? REALLY, Justin?

well, to be fair, that cereal is seriously great. best strawberry milk you’ll ever drink, after you’re done.

• endings of epic stories – return of the king, the belgariad, band of brothers, the pilot episode of darkwing duck (at least it used to)
• don’t cry by guns n’ roses
• hearing babies cry
• darren aronofsky’s film the fountain

stuff that makes me incredibly happy:

• my wife’s laughter
• watching bad religion live
• reading the bible at a panera with a tuna sandwich, a lemonade, and nowhere to be
• a cold glass bottle of cheerwine
• gray clouds, heavy wind, and 55 degrees

I am resolved to rise with the sun and to study Scriptures on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday mornings, and to study some Latin author the other three mornings. Noons and nights I intend to read English authors… I will rouse up my mind and fix my attention. I will stand collected within myself and think upon what I read and what I see. I will strive with all my soul to be something more than persons who have had less advantages than myself.

the next morning, though, adams sleeps in. he wrote in his journal a week later,

A very rainy day. Dreamed away the time.

so even three centuries ago, man struggled to accept his daily bread, the very thing that would satisfy him most. in the choice between creature comforts and the silver bullet that would make life worth living, he chose the snooze button. as have i.

part of the reason we are moving north is to make our proverbial home as a family – settle into a “permanent” place and grow some roots. hopefully that will include a church where we feel at home, a place that feels right to stick a root or two.

i learned the importance of finding a church, joining its family and living life as a part of its community, from lifespring, but strangely enough i never quite settled there. the people we really clicked with all ended up leaving, and even though we attended together for several of the years we dated, and the past three married years, it never felt like our church. we had different relationships with the place, i guess. there was a sort of barrier to settling there because of it… i guess in the back of my mind it was always a rest stop, never quite the destination.

i am trying to quantify the reasons that my roots at lifespring were so shallow, and bear those in mind while we are checking out new places. sort of a ‘must haves’ list, or if you are a GE employee, CTQ’s. (the fact that CTQ was the first term to come to mind is rather disgusting)

• we need to want to be there. i want to look forward to showing up most of the time; i don’t want to find myself dreaming up excuses to skip the night before.
• we need to click with the people – and that doesn’t mean they need to be clones of us, or even match our age/place in life exactly. we learned a ton from folks who were older and younger than us at lifespring. but i am hoping to run into folks that match our personality as a couple, that we would enjoy hanging out with outside the church.
• i want to learn. this is the toughest part about leaving lifespring – dudes that preach are smart.
• i want worship to actually matter to me there, to stir me to praise. something i haven’t felt for a long time at lifespring. again, there are talented musicians and great leaders there, it’s not their fault, it’s like someone who can cook great onion soup trying to serve it to someone who doesn’t like onion soup.
• i don’t want to be guilted in to doing work. i got asked to do a ton at lifespring – tech stuff, children’s ministry, high-school ministry, college ministry, post-college ministry, leading a small group, outreach, greeting, setup… the ratio of things i agreed to do / the things i turned down was low, but still i felt pressured a ton to work for these folks and i usually had a dozen other things i was juggling at the same time.
• i want opportunities to give financially, to urge me to be generous and not selfish, to do stuff locally and around the world.

behold my shopping list! maybe i should shove this arrogant little pile of junk somewhere and let God put us where He puts us. and not, you know, lean on my own understanding. the truth is i really don’t know what the “right” church would look like, and i am uncertain as to how much it matters, compared to how God and I are doing between the two of us at any given moment.

anyway. i was standing here, looking at the vast cloudscape, watching the rays of sun penetrating them. like God’s bat-signal. and mike doughty said into my ear,

They say that God is great
They say that God is love
And I believe them
Don’t fear the random fate;
I trust the hand of the almighty and the infinite

His truth is marching on
His truth is marching on

Let me know your enormity and my tininess and
Help me see your infinity and my finite-ness and

I’m f*@!ing starved for love
I deeply need to feel connection with the infinite
I want the nourishment
I need to drink it just like water, and it will sustain me

My heart is yearning now
My arms are aching for some girl or other, didn’t want me
And still I need you more
Need you to soothe this searing sadness, and the nameless gnawing

and i said, yeah, you are right.

then i went into this courtyard and sat and listened to the best album ever and spoke honestly to God like i hadn’t in a very long time, and felt Him smile at me and nod. and pour a breeze over me the whole time.

i guess why i like constant wind on me is growing up sailing. poor renee. she hates any cold air, wind or otherwise. i can’t live without it.

i also saw some small boys trying to follow this sign’s decree. some failed. you’re seriously putting an enormous fountain that just begs “jump in me” and then you toss that sign up? you’re taunting them to disobey, double-dog-daring. sigh.

“Man’s mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.”
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

“I’m growing older, but not up.”
- Jimmy Buffett

you know how they say (i think) that no one ever notices growing up? that you wake up one day and you’re middle-aged? i have been riding along through life with that mindset, still feeling like a kid, the number “28 years” a foolish placeholder that sounded a lot more significant when i was younger.

except things sort of changed last week. nothing of any enormous impact happened – i had a busy week – but at some point i realized that i was just as smart and capable as every other “adult” i came across. i realized i wasn’t a kid masquerading as responsible; i was responsible, i was competent, i am. my co-workers, friends, relatives – it’s like i just awoke to find myself on the same playing field as all of them. i don’t want to make too much of this, i guess, it’s just more of an interesting placeholder in my brain, that i grew up in january of 2008.